Missnorman

Peyton and I have a life a lot like each others.  We can lie in bed a whole day in fetal position and be torn into pieces and yet, pick ourselves up and go out and meet the next person with a smile. The people around us, know nothing sometimes .. Despite the tired eyes, the uninterested way to travel among our fellows, no one see the sadness that has taken place for most of the night, day and, well .. Still, when you go up to live on. But we do it. We put a song in our headphones either to strengthen the extreme feeling we have at that moment, or so we put on a song that changes your day. Sometimes it's not even me who chooses the music, but somewhere, as a gift and a sign someone has left a song that reflects on the days to come. We know that music is the only thing that can affect and change our day, our life and who we are. Music is the only one who understands us in all situations and remain when everything else is gone. If I ever found myself on a desert island, I would have wish for an endless stream of music.

Though Peyton and I might not be able to actually convey by creating our own music, we have an own art. She has It In her painting and I have It in my writing. 

 

But.. Sometimes you dont need to use your art to reach out to people. Sometimes, you just use your heart. Peyton and I have a way, to speak to whoever wants to listen. We found a way to communicate about what we've learned of the world, impulsivly and we do It without knowing who Is listening. We're probably not brave enough to convey it to those who daily sit next to us, but In the moment, she puts on her camera and its microphone and talks about her life infront of the strangers behind the computers, she feels heard, loved and perhaps understood. But most of all .. She hopes she conveys to someone who feels heard, like her. She talks about her own life and she can only imagine the faces and ears that listen, but best of all ..Is that we are both hoping that there are some special people still watching, looking and listening. That is the true reason to why we tell our stories ..because we want some people to perceive them.   It's the same reason to why I have my blog. If there Is no other way to speak to a certain person, you'll go beyond your boundaries and hope that someone hears you.

 

Something else that Is great about us is how fearless we are to create something ourselves. We are independent and creative enough to discover places, places that will be something we characterize and leave a certain and specific atmosphere in. A place that always touches our hearts. No matter how long it takes before we go there again, we have places that are ours, which may remind us of the specific, special and little extra in life.  

 

Sometimes, we think that people are able to take these places away from us, and many times it felt like, for example, my blog, my place, was stolen and no longer mine. But it's when you go back to that particular place and reminded yourself of what it is that you can specify and not because it is yours.. But because of what I left there - what I conveyed and what I still feel for it.That's when It's a place for you to be.

 

But most of all, Peyton learned me how to survive all those times you lost what you had closest to the heart. I do not know if people can be left on all those ways that I been left on and I don't know If someone can be left so many times. No matter where or when It's been and no matter who has left, our hearts has always taken a turn. I felt my heart break when someone smashed the hope I tried to create, I have felt the pain of losing someone in body and blood .. and I have known the immense longing for someone I loved. Sometimes .. it is not only by my own life, but because of the people around me.. For I have seen the loss in my father's eyes when he talks about his childhood friend who is no longer living on this earth. I've seen a broken heart in my grandfather's eyes when his friend passed away not long ago. I have seen a tremendous sadness in my mother's eyes when her power hasn't managed anymore and drained her instead. I have seen and heard such a huge pain in my friends, when their heart had burst,many times too often. I have feelt and heard the despair in words that have been written. And I've feelt .. my heart burst, more times than I would wish for anyone. I felt it break, when I first felt abandoned by my father, whose confirmation was the only thing I was looking for in the world. I felt it break again when I realized I need to stop asking for it. And I felt it break again when the person who knew me the best, was no longer close or for as for as I know, even left at all .

 

In the end you wonder.. Am I always going to be abandoned?

 

I still feel the pain. I still feel abandoned. I am still praying for confirmation. I still rupture. 

 

The difference is that not so long ago both Peyton and I would lock ourselves into a darkness because of this and let ourselves drown. We had locked our hearts for all the new things to come. Now .. I have a way to breathe in all of this. I found a way to breathe again, to know, that no matter how much water you have over your head, It's only you who can make the choice to swim. You have to save yourself.

 

I now give permission and understanding to the despair I have inside me. It's okay to expose yourself to as much - for when you really feel that so much is lost, then you have truly loved. And If It touched your heart.. Then you never really lost anything.

 

But you know what? Do you what Is the greatest thing about me and Peyton?

It's that we never stop loving. We just wanna be able to love again. We wanna laugh and have fun and enjoy everything that life is. We don't only want to dream our life, we want to life It. We don't wanna be on center stage, we wanna be behind the scenes as a part of history.

We never stop believing in what we love, what we are and we.. never become less happy.

We are stronger.

We are more then meets the eye.